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An Idiots guide to Pakistan after living in United Kingdom


    An Idiots guide to Pakistan after living in United Kingdom


    Its never a good time to be Pakistan… and I ain’t talking about the economy. Describing the economic situation is for experts or woke-wannabes. What makes me say that, other than living there which most won’t do because they are smart, is if you just see the list of prime minister in Pakistan, you’ll notice that only one prime minister managed to finish his parliamentary terms in 72 years of existence of the country. If that doesn’t spell unstable then nothing will.

    The current fuck-shit happening in Pakistan is the Kashmir conflict. I could go on about the history of the situation but then the Indian fuckboys will come after me with their illogical flame and bias. Then the Pakistani fuckboys will praise me blindly for saying Indian fuckboys. Let’s just say, war is bad. Also going to Pakistan at a time like that should not be encouraged unless you bringing along some helmets and armour gear. So I went to see Pakistan and as mostly British-Pakistani, I thought it would be interesting to draw a comparison between the 2 lifestyles.

    Holidays are an interesting part of western culture. A lot of people use this opportunity to travel the world so they can up their Instagram game and pretend like their life is not in shambles. I can’t speak for other countries but I observed holidays in Pakistan. Baring in mind, my Pakistani family host a lot of doctors and people who work in corporate offices so those guys can go toe-to-toe with western families. But they don’t. Literally, a holiday in Pakistan is like, everyone just stays chilling with the family and praying to God. The concept of going abroad on holiday seems to be a western privilege as most people from third world country literally can’t get visas to tour countries. Hell, most people in those countries come to the fixation with detaching from the earth and giving them self to god. Doing 5 prayers for a day for a Pakistani family is literally a lit day.

    Pakistani at the airport is always a drag if Britain is the master of queuing. Then Pakistan is the master of forming multiple queues cause they can’t be fucked to go in the one queue that’s already there. If you see a Pakistani family in the airport, just know that’s when they are most dangerous. Those families are out for blood. White women want to speak to the manager, Pakistani women want to speak to Pilot.

    I know Pakistani are a different bread because of the Flight quality difference I noticed. When going from England to Qatar, albeit I went on economy class, that I felt like a human being when I was on the plane, it felt peaceful, the entertainment system was working, everything was clean. Now the flight to Pakistan could only be described as the WWE royal rumble. The stewards were the referees. The biggest tragedy other than the lack of behaviour and care from Pakistani would have to be the entertainment system seeming to want to commit suicide as you try to use it on the ride from Qatar to Pakistan. Honestly, maybe the plane ride from Qatar to Pakistan is probably the appropriate experience to get used to Pakistan.

    Arriving in Pakistan the first thing you’re slapping with is the heat mixed in with the ridiculous humidity as if the weather got you in a chock hold about as strong as a chock hold from Arnold Schwarzenegger. There are porters everywhere in the airport, which you don’t get in England, and the porter job is to help you get your language and they’ll help transfer it to your car. The state Pakistan is in is really shit right now so porter tries and swarm you as soon as possible. Reject one help from the porter, and 5 seconds after you got another one asking. Sometimes they double team too. And the method of paying porter is weird, there isn’t a fixed price, it’s essentially like a massive tip or negotiable. If you’re not used to Pakistan, they will rip you off. If you are used to Pakistan then you’ll rip them off.

    A great insight into the Pakistani lifestyle is perfectly encapsulated by my family. I have 16 cousins on my dad’s side and in my mother side… 2. With 18 cousins, 12 aunt and uncles and one living grandpa, I think that makes me a perfect expert with an insight into Pakistani lifestyle. My uncle and grandpa were the first to greet us in Pakistan and with my uncle and my family we were driven back to our place. The car ride happened to fascinate the shit out of me. Bear in mind, my uncle is a practising doctor. This guy was doing things driving in the car that he’d get a lifetime driving ban for. Dude was pulling out the phone when driving. He also had a tablet in the middle of the car that was used as navigation… and also he was trying to bang out some Pakistani tunes on YouTube. My dad was trying to talk to my uncle at one point and my uncle just casually raised the volume like he really wanted us to check out this Islamic song banger. Bless him.

    Now he has 5 kids, 2 of whom are married which in Pakistan is the best thing in possible and in England just means you trying to save on your mortgage and this thing is going to bite you in the arse in 3 years. So that leaves 3 kids in the house at this point. 2 of the girls are young adults so they are full of snark and sarcasm. The 1 teenage boy is absolutely mental but normal by Pakistani standards. So in Pakistan, you’re allowed to own any pet you want and the family had a goat and my teenage cousin really wanted that so I thought “ahh that’s sweet”… Apparently, he owned one before and when he got bored of it, slay the bitch and ate it for dinner. Just the other day, I was hesitant to cut up some chicken breasts. Also, he drives a car illegally and is known to steal from shops. Back in his age, I used to be scared to reply to text messages on Xbox live.

    A lot of my cousins seems to be in stem degree which means I reflect a life in Pakistani society of a more wealthy one that isn’t entirely reflective of the wider Pakistan community which happens to be 220 million in a tiny country. The reason the population is so massive, is A) Procreating for Allah is a goal in Pakistan B) No one is selling condoms. Majority of Pakistani are villager and they ain’t going to be seen by the public in England for a long time. A lot of British be like the “bottom” is living in the hood in England, but if you’re poor in Pakistan. Shit, you can’t rap or football your way out of that shit. You really notice what poor is when you’re not in a first world country. Saying you hit rock bottom is a lot lenient when you think about the rock bottom in Pakistan.

    Social media in Pakistan is fascinating. In England, you’d say stuff like “social media causes mental health”, in Pakistan they’d be like “what the fuck is mental health”, “Why you making up illnesses bro”. I noticed heavy use of Facebook amongst all the young people on Facebook. I used to frequent this subreddit called /r/indianpeoplefacebook and it was just full of content about cringey Facebook post, and I was like “haha, look at those Indians, they can’t Facebook right”… Apparently, that goes for most people in South Asian countries. Cause, I did not want to see my cousins attempt at sketch comedy on their bloody Facebook or the billion quote in an uninteresting selfie that looks like it’s written by a white girl that owns crystal balls and an Ouija board.

    You always have to be on your toes when shopping in Pakistan. If we are savages in planes, it’s assumed we are savages in all places. I remember going to the supermarket and before entering the supermarket, if you’re holding a shopping bag they would clip the top so it can’t be open to prevent shoplifting. This is usually because items don’t have a barcode so the exits and entrance don’t have barcode detecting doors. Don’t get it twisted, Pakistan doesn’t have the budget for that but they throw their budget elsewhere in supermarkets. Like we got arcades in our supermarkets, I’m pretty sure you could get a massage there as well. But fuck security.

    Payment in Pakistan is different compared to the UK service as well. I remember ordering coffee in Pakistan with also a bowl of ice cream and typically doing that in Starbucks you’d have to pay first then they’ll give it to you. In Pakistan, you typically have to pay after in every food services. Even getting chips you’d have to pay after you’re done eating it. I was wondering why they do that and my brother getting scammed for that showed why. In the airport, a porter asked if we needed food and we got some food, after eating the food my brother wanted chips aswell. So he paid him for the food and also the chips, after getting the chips the porter came over asking for the payment of the chips as well. And my brother gave the payment for that as well, cause he has fuck you money compared to the rest of Pakistan. I remember spending £3 on my cousins and my other cousin was like “why you asking him for so much bro”. Money is precious in Pakistan.

    Usually, to party hard, you need alcohol. Because alcohol would kill all your anxiety and break down your barrier so any dumb shit thought you get in your head you can execute without a barrier. But man, I was in Pakistan for their independence day and they dance like a madman. They don’t seem sober, they seem to have the energy of your local monkey dust head. I remember being in traffic and one car had a sound system and they just blasted music, and almost like how zombies rush to the sound of something, people started running to the street and started dancing. I have never seen fat people have as much confidence as a Pakistani fat guy hearing some drum. A dude with a dhol would walk around and when he started drumming, a flock of people would just run out and started dancing. Do that in England, everyone will tell you to shut the fuck up. Hell, if you breathe slightly louder, you’d get told to shut the fuck up.

    Interestingly, religious countries have shown to be areas with better mental health than their counterpart. Which is astounding considering most people in these countries don’t have the luxury of the secular countries. I usually get in a depressed mood in England but then I start thinking about the people in Pakistan that have far less than me and still seem to be pumped in life. Just the weight of expectation, the opportunities and mixed with the pressure in England makes me wonder what I’d prosper and be happier living ignorant in Pakistan.